Archive for July, 2008

Jerry Partain biggest asshole between here and Maine

July 26, 2008

Shameless ass kissing it helped  him attain

A luxurious lifestyle that your tax dollars maintain

His  ungrateful attitude is difficult to explain

cause he spent most of his life on the government gravy train

Claims he’s self made but he’s just being vain

Perhaps it’s a natural  defect in his lizard brain

Or just an angry old fart huffing on the gas main

hatred of  goverment his letters attempt to ingrain

From public largess everyone else should abstain

So into his own pocket the treasury he can happily  drain.

And use it to fly off on vacations to the North of Spain

Or driving his giant motor home 50 mph in the fast lane

But that’s OK because he knows he’s on a higher moral plane

Thats why His life is one long political campaign

about dirty poor people he will constantly complain

“Just a bunch of deadbeat losers” that’s his constant refrain

says they’ll all use their food stamps to buy crack cocaine

And use their welfare checks to take baths in champagne

as some kind a taxpayer watchdog he will feign

but its clear that he’s only interested in personal gain.

all the money isn’t going to him is what makes him pop a vein

and grumpy enough to throw the welfare brats under a freight train.

Lucky for everyone he’s misplaced his cane

To homeless vets he shows such disdain

Couldn’t care less if they sleep out in the rain

But in 2003 he was such a big fan of showing up Hussein

Bowel movements for him they are such a strain

Even though he’s one of the biggest assholes between Humboldt County and the capitol of Maine

Hannaford gets Al Gored, then falls on his sword

July 20, 2008

Eureka Reporter Chief Opinionator Peter Hannaford

No secret that he’s the entire editorial Board

believes the already rich are entitled everything to hoard

“Bedtime for Bonzo” was a movie that he Adored

Loved it in a way that was almost Untoward.

Blots like Iran Contra were ignored

Environmental regulations he has abhorred

For offshore rigs he has serially implored

Does not care if some of the product gets poured

Or if the ice melts off the far northern fjord

When he hears all that he’ll say he’s so bored

All his editorials GOP central command does prerecord

So that everyone in the rank and file stays rigidly in accord.

And that no other options except the party line are ever explored

Winger politicians read conservation speeches into the congressional record.

Peter Hannaford could save electricity by unplugging his computer’s power cord.

Cause it sure seems like filthy dirty Republican Party money is his master and lord

Frank makes them walk the plank

July 15, 2008

An EPD blogger who took the movie name Serpico, Frank

And seemed like an unhappy militant crank

Cashes a public paycheck down at bank

Plots to stick the new Chief with a rhetorical shank

Says the new Chief was much too fond of pulling some rank

Starts rumors that he’s rolling with a dispatcher sharing some skank

He’s angry because Murl’s Captain bars The new Chief did yank

And sent him to get coffee and donuts without bothering to thank

Plus he canceled that DHS grant that they were using to buy a big tank

Besides that Garr’s clothes and car are just a little too swank

About a host of other petty grievances Frank did wank

Says that job should have gone to the buddy with whom he drank

Because he wants to make the west side more like West Bank

And tase all those dirty hippies who are smoking the dank

And billy club the street people like Hammerin’ Hank

And make all the homosexuals walk the plank

Make everyone he doesn’t like hear the Jail door’s clank

But faster than you can say “Joe Friday” the supporters shrank

When Garfish showed he was the biggest one in the Fish tank

and away in defeat his rivals slank

Now the “Above the Law Eureka ” blog says “about blank”

And clean out of view Frank Serpico has mercifully sank.

Little Jonny Ashbach should stuff it with a sock

July 13, 2008

In the Eel River valley lives a young scout named Jonny Ashbach

Who’s led  a short sheltered life with nary a hard knock

Hard won life experience of real working people he does mock.

What he serves up in the letters section is warmed over Bushite crock

Sombody please tell this ignorant little twit to stuff it with a sock!

Instead of going to school he was drilled in Old Testment schlock

And little Bible story stick figures that mamma drew for him in chalk

As she taught him that learning evolution was sinful as the red light district of Bangkok

Not to mention some old cliche talking points from her favorite hard right  radio jock

And how all same sexers. abortionists, blasphemers, and peacecreeps  deserve to get the perp walk


Around Planned Parenthood Jon loves to Stalk

Waving around gory fetus pictures intended to shock

 Says we need excess workers laboring around the clock

Catering to each and every whim of the chosen from the flock

Not to mention more cannon fodder for that righteous holy war in Iraq

I’ll  give you great odds to wager that young Mr. A. is a complete chickenhawk

And that he’ll bombastically continue to cheer from the safety of his own block.

Prays for armageddon around the  clock

He’s Just a know-it-all twerp who could test Dr. Spock

Will he grow up to be a santctimonious asshole?

I think It’s a lock.

R. Trent gets outspent

July 7, 2008


There once was a fellow who called himself R. Trent

In letters to the editor he’d often vent

Right wing foibles he’d always lament

Unfortunately his name he’d sometimes misrepresent

That doesn’t invalidate the rest of his argument

To his subjects the letters caused such anguish and torment

That they called the local police to register their discontent

They said he’s committing a breach of trust with fraudulent intent

Never mind that anonymous lobbyists pumping $$$ get their assent

So that at campaign time all the liberals are sure to get outspent.

They were beside themselves with phony outrage over a non event,

Because they always need another straw bogey man to invent.

Treats minor chicanery like a seismic event.

Anyone who thinks I’m “Sarah” must be sniffing rubber cement

Humboldt Mirror gets the Bronx cheer

July 4, 2008

Humboldt Mirror Celebrates Six Months of Mediocrity

Not a pretty sight is the Humboldt Mirror

Whiny white guys crying in their Beer

All the usual suspects in the wingnut sphere

Come around in order to practice their sneer

At a certain Supervisor they love to jeer

Like a jilted blog stalker they often appear

displaying stupid assholeishness without peer

Of humor this blog has only a thin veneer

When old ladies fall over they like to cheer

Just lame “Onion” knock offs it’s abundantly clear

With such sorry material it’s hard to see how they can persevere

Maybe they can go to the Army recruiter and volunteer

This Fourth of July lets give them a big Bronx cheer.

The “We hate Bonnie Neely Blog” would be a title much more sincere

Steve writes about his pet peeve

July 2, 2008

Wildwood is home to ubiquitous Steve
Sometimes things he writes make me heave
Once a flower child, when young and naive
Now old and bitter they’re his pet peeve

Says it’s the workin’ folks they aggrieve
In Communitarian bliss he wants to believe
It’s working for Mr. Charlie he’ll misperceive
Can’t stand those Zionists from Tel Aviv
He says they often practice to deceive

On the radio with Rose, he would weave
Conspiracy theories far-fetched to believe
Any unlucky listener in range to receive.
Would soon be gulping a handful of Aleve

With a Stihl chainsaw they’d like to cleave
All those nappy dreadlocks and make dirty fucking hippies grieve.